An image of me
March 2007,???,Japan
It was dark inside the coffin,…tired,…I felt weak,…I felt alone,…
I was angry, sad, and confused,…
I lost hope,…those high-hopes that I had when I was a child, when I was in high-school, when I was in Japanese school,…Those hopes, those dreams, dreams that I’ll do great someday,…
In the coffin, I remembered the faces of those who have supported me until now,…
In the coffin, I remembered the faces of those who have betrayed me, and laughed at me when I fall,…
Again, time and space swiveled,…
And then,…They came,…out of those paradox of mental-defeat.
The first one was a 20 year old, the second was a 17 year old, and the last one was a kid,…they were an image of my brothers,… I thought they were…But no, They were not my brothers,…
They were all,…Me,…
The 17 year old me started the conversation by taunting, "Is that all? You are so weak, you know!",…the same line I gave to my Dad the week before he died. "I’m sorry, Dad,…" I didn’t realized…Oh, the pain of regret kept on haunting…
Then the 20 year old me came to me and said calmly,"Remember those who needed you, those who have trusted you,…they are all waiting"
"But, I failed,…I have lost,… It is imposible,…" I replied.
"BRRRIIINGGZZZZZZZZZZ,…!", the alarm clock went crazy. Time to go to another interview.
….
Went back to Nagano that week. Had a day off. ….And just as I’d expected. They came!,…to haunt…
These ghost images of myself,…they come and go, sometimes without saying a word, but drove a mental image of memories and future hopes that I had. I cried sometimes when seeing the gap between the future and the past. The gap was dark, deep, and It was "the present" at the time.
"What!?…What do you want from me!" "I tried my best!" "How can YOU be the MAN? You are not worthy!" "What about all this time? You have learned so much all the way here…Remember the lessons you’ve got from all those people you’ve met on the way. They had taugh you so much about life. Use those wisdoms" …."But I’m confused,…Who am I?" "I was doing great when I was back home, I was a different man, I had my pride" "But here, I’m powerless, I don’t have anything, not even my pride." …. TELL ME! WHO AM I? If you are me then why are we so different? Which one is the real me? Which one is the future? Which one is the past? Which one Is THE REAL ME!?
None of them answered,… Days go one after another,…and every night I tried to sleep less.
One day, I met a friend, and old friend. We used to hang out when I was in Matsumoto. I told him everything about the ghosts,…He said,"Those ghosts are all you, they are memories."
Then , I realized something,…something so great,…And after that day I learned to face them, day by day,…
When I was a kid, I learned love.
When I was a teen, I learned how to be a man.
When I lost my Dad, I met God.
When I was travelling around the world, I learned wisdom.
Now I’ve learned about Myself.
I used the anger of being pushed, the pride and dignity to move foward. I used the hopes and dreams to guide my path through the jungle of confusion. Like an abandoned warrior in a defeated war. I can only fight to live. There was a smile in every move I made.
Tired,yes… but I smiled.
I know that I am not alone in this battle,… the other MEs are with me, the spirits of those supports me gave me the power. I Spark differently now. I ‘ve found "me".
-Finally got so many job overings in the end. I think at some point I gave a different aura then before. I decided to end it with a dream job with one of the best companies in the world. I visited 40 companies. A lot more then I had planned.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Thanks for writing this.